YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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