i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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