i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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