So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
