So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
We were destined to go to rehab together
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
