I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
