Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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