He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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