you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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