I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
how drunk are you?
Several
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
