he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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