where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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