Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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