there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
