I accidentally burped into my bong.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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