Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
