I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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