gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
