I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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