Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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