watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
