Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
