his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
