Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Randomize
