My hand turned me down
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
