Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
