The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Someone signed my nipple.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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