I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
