Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
COCAINE IS GR8
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
