i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
