Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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