It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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