she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
