I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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