my phone needs a breathalizer
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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