can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
