I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
