I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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