I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
