Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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