Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
