the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
