sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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