I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
