May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
