My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
