Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
