I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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