This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
