The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
